The Sacramento City Council announced last week, from their
gurneys with the morphine-drip, that they have embraced a new, stunning, colossal, vibrant, plan
to help the homeless – called Housing Twenty-Third.
"We’ve scuttled Housing-First, you see, for Housing
Twenty-Third because it’s 23 times better!" exclaimed Councilmember A, “We've determined that
rushing to give homeless people things was making us queasy, so we decided,
instead, to greatly slow things down to one-tenth of a snail’s pace, which is as much as we
can handle.”
“The public shouldn’t worry though,” said Councilmember B, “We
still intend to often mention really, really high numbers with dollar-signs in front
of them to keep homeless do-this-or-that charities’ administrators assured that
they can keep up with their mortgage payments on their homes in Granite Bay or
Wilton or Rocklin."
“Instead of going off on a lark and working ourselves silly,”
said Councilmember C, “we are beginning a program to help weary police-men and –women
and jail employees with a new Right2Rest in Jail program for the homeless. This
will keep our brave police officers and jail guards employed without them
having to worry about any reduction in real crime.”
"Meantime, we’ve suspended our interest in housing and are,
instead, going to stuff more beds into existing shelters, and keep them open
24/7, making shelters more like jails," said Councilmember D, gleefully. "These are structured places where
homeless people are ordered to do arbitrary time-wasting things – something they
are accustomed to. It’s homey for them without that unfamiliar being-at-home and
in-charge-of-your-life feel. The shelter will also keep homeless people off the
streets where they might be hit by cars or breathe fresh air or feel any pesky sense
of independence."
"Also, our Triage program that is always in the works is
something we want to assure people we will always be tinkering with in advance
of it never being implemented," said Councilmember F.
"The housing that we will pursue will come in the future," said Councilmember G, "for
the progeny of today’s homeless people. Homeless people of the current day can
stand proud knowing that the City Council will be seeking real honest-to-gosh
housing for their great-grandchildren and great-great-grandchildren."
"This is something where the ragged, smelly citizens of
Sacramento have our sacred word," said Councilmember H. "Long after the homeless of today are totally gone and
completely forgotten, the City Council of Sacramento will be doing the same
thing it’s doing today: keeping our noses to the grindstone and never, ever
looking up such to know what’s really happening. Honest injun."
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