Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Top Thirteen List: Features of a McDonald’s restaurant run by the CEO of Loaves & Fishes

13. The restaurant is dwarfed by its new $1,700,000 warehouse next door where food is stored.

12. To place an order for food, you first have to wait in a series of three lines.

11. There’s no place to wash your hands on weekends. But, then, often on weekends, this McDonald’s just passes you a sack lunch: a coldcut sandwich in a bag of salt.

10. Of course we serve vegetables: Ketchup! And if you want another vegetable, we’ll give you a second packet.

9. The restaurant closes for nine days twice a year to change signage in the windows.

8. Ice for your drinks is in a big refrigerated tub. Feel free to reach right in and grab a few cubes!  Use your shirt or skirt and take dozens of cubes!

7. Sign over soft drink machine: “The management is not responsible if the soft drink dispenser cheats you out of your money, chump. Bwaaaa-ha-ha! BWAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!”

6. Hot dogs have replaced hamburger patties. We serve you what we got; eat it or starve, ya bum.

5. The Restaurant Eaters Advocacy position is funded with a grant from the Crock Foundation. [When writing the grant request, the manager didn’t realize that it’s the Kroc Foundation, not the Crock Foundation, that’s associated with McDonald's.]

4. The apple pies are kept outside until they have that extra-crispy crust that comes with staleness. But to make sure everybody’s happy, with any pastry comes a free whole stale chocolate cake. Eat up, everybody! Your diabetes ain’t our responsibilty! We’re only too happy to Supersize you!

3. The Big M symbol [aka, the Golden Arches] keeps falling over, almost crushing people.

2. To save her time and energy and to avoid accuracy, the manager makes up the restaurant statistics on the fly!


1. Overseers of the restaurant have locked themselves in the cold-storage room after replacing their blood with honey mustard.

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